I AM

I am a child - yet older than my years,
I am a daughter - who sometimes rejects the father (God).
I am a friend - who tries not to have enemies
I am a poet - but still stumble over words.
I am a philosopher - who refuses to believe in ghosts (save the Holy Spirit.)
I am a dancer – learning the steps of life,
I am an actor – playing my daily part.
I am a dreamer, and I live nightmares,
I am a human being - who is by nature; imperfect,
Overall, I am, just a girl, trying to figure out who she is.

School

Drooping eyelids, slouching backs,
Wandering minds and forgotten facts.
Pages of notes, worn out pens,
Late night working, never see friends.
Red biro marks, crossing out,
Checking spelling, unfinished tasks.
Silent tears, raging tantrums,
Anxiety attacks and final breakdowns.

ER - Emotionally Raw

Please don’t tell; it will only hurt worse.
Don’t hold me close, it will awaken the hurt.
When you see its hurting me, I feel more pain.
So please for the moment, pretend its all ok.
Forget the scars, forget the tears,
Just forget you saw my need and fears.
It hurts too much to start to fix,
All the pieces falling to bits.
It can’t be done so just don’t try,
Don’t hold me close; it will make me cry.
But most of all, ignore my plea,
And just hold me close while I scream.

Eventually the tears will cease to flow,
My emotions drawn out, poison from the wound.
And when the tears are all cried out
There will be room again, for happiness.
So aggravate the wound, draw out the poison,
Because I’m not brave enough alone,
To free up the pain, so it can run free.
I’m emotionally raw but I can just hold on,
But don’t let me live that way.
Just hold me close and make me scream.
Make my world all fall apart,
So we can rebuild it, a new work of art.

Oblivion

Tonight I want oblivion,
Tonight I want to forget what’s happening
I want it to all blur around be - inside me
Tonight I want to break my own rules
Forget today, tomorrow, and yesterday
Tonight I don’t want to set myself apart
I want to be lost
I want to forget,
Tonight; I want to shock you, and loose me.
I want to get drunk

Here I pay Tribute

All the flowers died of sadness
And the sky forgot to rain,
And as the world was dying
It was thrown into decay
Your body fed the earth
Ash into the clay

The specs of your body
Flew around the world
To all the distant places
Of things you’ve seen and heard

I didn’t know your name
Or the perfume in your hair
But the things I do know
I treat with a reverence and care

You never knew me,
But there’s something that you did
You made an impression on who I am
On one we both love dearly

You were much more than I could say
Much more than I could know
And now all I’ll get to know
Is a ghost of who you were
But here I pay tribute
To the one I never knew.

Interaction is:

Knowing when to laugh and when to cry
When to smile and when to sigh
Knowing how to love, despite the hate,
Being safe in love, or burned by hate
Hearing more than is meant.
Or being def to the deepest pools of meaning
Hiding a secret
Or to reveal,
And Knowing -
When not to cheapen the beauty of a deep moment,
With a lightness that cheapens the price of a soul.

Smokey

I can still hear you in the night-time,
Amid the rustling leaves.
I can still see your eyes,
Bright and shining in the moonlight.
I can still hear you calling behind the mirrors of my imagination
I can see a reflection, of what I remember.

You made me laugh while you were hear,
You made me cry when you weren’t.
And your vices made you only the more precious to me.
When you disappeared, you left me with an ache of fear.

Now when I raise the curtain,
To peep into the dark,
All I see is my reflection staring back at me,
And the cold stark night.
I am forced once again to accept the truth that you are gone.

But still, every time I scan the darkness,
I hold my breath,
I hide from the figment of my imagination,
So that it will not disappear so soon,

Your memory is like a swirl of smoke,
I can see it, I know it’s silky outline,
But I can never grasp it,
And turn it into something real.

Whispers

I, and then I, whisper
Though, dare I not reply,
Shhh, he’ll hear,
And again, I want him to.
Self – be suppressed.

Eyes averted,
Mind not so restrained
Answer the phone:

“Hello”
I love you – NO
“Hello”
Slam.
Connection cut,
“Hello?”
I can never let you know

Proverbs 14 vs 13

"Even in laughter the heart may ache, and joy may end in greif."

Today in my church youth group we read through this chapter of proverbs, and I was struck by the truth and sadness of this verse.

It describes to me the way I sometimes feel. I'm a wear the heart on the sleve type person, people usually know if I'm upset. - then again, I like to think I'm pritty good at hiding it if I want... Who realy knows how much others see of the person beneth their skin. Anyway Ive been upset about some - stuff - what, even I am not entirely sure about, anyway, people kept asking me " Are you alright?" "Whats wrong?" "Are you ok?" - yeah I was ok, but still sad, depressed, down, close to leaking water from my eyes, overly emotional. The point is this verse made me think about how I sometimes act happy, even when I am cryng inside. How sometimes Laughter is hysterical - rather than happy, and that Joy is translucennt, and can be lost in an instant.

Mabye theirfore there is something more important to live for than the happy moments, and if thats true, life is more important than the sadest momnet..

Global Citisin/ Global World

I am not an Australian citisin
Though I know the Auzzie Anthom
I am not an American
Though I could quote Robert Frost
I am not an Italian
Though I recognise the language
I am not a German
Though to their trace my heratage
I am not French,
Though I'd recognise the Monolisa
I do not belong to China
Though I've followed her history
I am not a Jew
But i'm affected by the fighting in Israel
I am not of Ireland, Iceland, Poland or Iraque
I am not of Japan or Africa
Though I dwell in one country,
I am a citizen of the world.

Spiral Act

Ask for prase we think we deserve,
Despise truth we think we don’t need.

Gollop down crumbs of love,
Dollop out piles of spite/hate.

Scream so loud for truth -
We can’t hear it whisper.

Love our selves so much,
We hate any imperfection.

Want to hear nice things so much,
Well swallow down a lie.

Numb physical pain -
Suppress the Psychological.

Get used to death,
Well find something worse, to shock us into charity.

And then -

Ask for peace, thinking it impossible,
And - It is with that frame of mind.

We cripple ourselves with our words our minds our actions.

Confessions

I care about you -
- more than I should
We are meant to be,
Nothing more than friends,

But...

I want you.
I dream of you.
And worse..

I love you.


(Written 6th Feb)

Just so you know

Just so you know, Ill give you my love
Though I don’t know what I’ll get in return
Just so you know I offer my friendship
I hope you’ll decide to accept it
Just so you know I’ll give you support,
Even if I’m unaware why you’re crying

I don’t need you to give,
It just helps,
I don’t need you to accept,
But I hope you do

Just so you know, I’m not sure of my footing,
But just so you know, I can keep on giving.

Just so you know I do wonder if you need me,
But, Just so you know, I can go on wondering.

I just need help from the Lord, and continue to hope,
That the love I give, is accepted,
And some days, though I still wonder if it’s needed,
Wonder if it helps…

I wont steal the secrets from your heart,
I’ll share what your willing to give.
I don’t know how much friendship you’ll ever offer,
But just so you know,
Someone cares.

For Sal - Sweet Dreams

Rise on clouds of imagination,
As your eyes close,
Cross the barrier between the living and the dreaming
Sweet dreams,
Allow wings of imagination
To take you to the places of your creation.

I'd cry, but I've forgotten how.

I’ve gone to bed with more cheerful thoughts, but I haven’t gone to sleep with sadder ones…

Desire

You told me not to love you
You asked me just to care.
But I sometimes wonder,
Is there something their?

They say, they can see something more,
There just outsiders looking in.
But there eyes penetrate my core.
And they see a desire that shouldn’t be their.

It’s a pity that this is between me and you,
Because if it was me and them,
I’d love you.

Half full or half empty ~ A Philosophy

Is the glass half full or half empty? If its half full you’re an optimist, if its half empty you’re a pessimist – so what dose that make me? I have my own philosophy, my maths teacher would probably be proud, because its logical thinking, but then maybe he’d just smile and shake his head. Anyhow, the way I see it, if you are in the act of filling up the glass its half full, if you’re in the act of emptying it, the glass is half empty! Its really quite simple.

So if I have this little philosophy, what dose that make me??

But there is a more important question here, what’s in the glass, because if it’s not anything great, for example if your talking about how many dishes left on the sink to dry up, maybe saying its half empty makes you optimistic! - Who knows!

So what’s your philosophy?

Favours

I've got a favour to ask you... and it would mean sooo much to me!

Favours are funny things, if a favour means doing something that feels uncomfortable, scary, or arg! Do you still do it, if it means that much to your friend? How important is it, when do your emotions get so strong that they come before those of a friend you truly care about? And how do you convey to your friend why its so hard t say yes?

What exactly are you asking me to do? - I ask

What they ask to them may not seem such a huge deal, but to you its got so many issues and your caught in it. How can I say yes when it kills me to think of the implications of that little word - "okay".

How much dose it mean to you?

Do I take the plunge, dive to where I can no longer even see my comfort zone? I’m going in deep this time..."okay – I’ll do it"

Butterfly’s wings

Who would love a butterfly without its colourful wings?
Who would love a bird without the song it sings?
Who would love the world without its gentle grace?
Who would love a girl without beauty in her face?

Delicate wings of soft powdered blue,
Spots of white, full of virtue.
Wings woven of embedded fire,
And for her,
Eyes that light up desire.